You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
