I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
