you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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