Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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