I CAN MOONWALK!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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