If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
