Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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