i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
