There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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