i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
