your parents love me but you hate me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
