Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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