I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
