there's paper in my vomit.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
