meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
