Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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