i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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