Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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