he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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