i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
