i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
