I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
