Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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