2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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