I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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