My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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