stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
