I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize