we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
