so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
