$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
found the other keg... it's in the tree
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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