Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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