i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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