i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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