made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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