There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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