if you like me you must not know who I am
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
