I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
