tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
