was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
