Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
