shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
