I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Operation Purity has been aborted
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize