so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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