Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
