She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
