He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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