We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
