Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dicks are not precious.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
