She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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