Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
