fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
