Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
