It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
