He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
