Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
